Life is life.

Have you ever wanted something so badly- and it was completely in your control- but couldn't do it? I have. I do it every day. I so badly want to live this year with no regrets. I love the sport of gymnastics. It's deep, deep within me and will never leave me but I'm hanging up my leotard in not very long. I cry when I think about it.

I don't cry because of what I haven't done, but because of what I have done. I treasure my time on the gymnastics team. I wasn't really good enough to deserve this and I feel like it's a gift every day. But I am holding myself back from what I know I'm capable of and it's more than frustrating. I hate myself sometimes. I think: if I died, wouldn't that just solve the problem? Wouldn't I just not have to worry about this and the question of whether I'm strong enough to overcome my fears would never have to be answered.

It sounds so dramatic. It is. We're talking about a sport here, and not even at the elite level. But my pride is involved and that's very important to me. I don't sit here and entertain the idea of suicide; I'm way to rational for that. But I do think sometimes, if I die I wouldn't have to worry about it at all. Then of course, I'd be dead. So that's no good either.

Maybe I need a therapist. Maybe I need a psychologist. Maybe I just need a fucking blog.

I feel ridiculous right now. My friend got diagnosed with cancer when she was my age. She beat it. I'm talking about death (willful death?) because of embarrassment, pride and a fucking recreational sport. Perspective is everything, isn't it?

Pretty much nothing I've written makes sense right now. I don't really care. I need thoughts to just flow out so I don't have them rattling around in my brain.

A fight; every day, a fight to know who will win
Pulled once a way and back again
Ripped and broken, lying painful in the sun
Still but sobbing, heaving as night comes

Phoenix stirring, after thrashing and dying
Rising slowly, pulling up from lying
Stiff and jerking, fighting light and flying
But rising nonetheless, never stop trying

One day it will come; soon, it will come
Work will pay off and light will shine
Smiling, sparkling, gleaming some
Standing, alive and proud. My time.

"This is bullshit. At some point you just have to grab the bull by the horns." True dat.

Crappy Weather

I got so spoiled in the last few days. It was warm and sunny; sometimes the wind was a little strong, but it didn't matter because as long as I stayed out of the shade, I was warm. It is FREEZING outside right now. It's too bad I spent all morning after I got back from working out sleeping because it seems like a perfect time to pop in a movie and nap. Except I am not tired. And I want to read more of my book. And if I sleep now, I will definitely not sleep tonight. Ugh, I hate getting my sleeping patterns all off.

Anyway, in other news, school is almost over. I have two finals. One is a take-home and the other is Thursday. I am completely unconcerned with these finals and I'm sure everyone I've talked to lately is going crazy because I've been bored out of my mind. I've watched more movies in the past two weeks than I've watched all year probably. I started with The Fall; the most visually appealing movie I've probably ever seen. Set in the 1920s or 30s, it follows a little Romanian girl staying in the hospital with a broken arm. She meets a young man who does movie stunts. Both are in the hospital because of falling from tall objects. The little girl fell from an orange (?) tree in an orchard where she works with her family. The man fell from a railroad bridge while working on a movie. The man tells the little girl a story while they are both in the hospital. The scenes that depict the story are breathtaking. Even though the movie is 2 hours and 45 minutes long, I LOVE it.

I also watched Religulous and Jesus Camp, both favorites of mine. Then I watched The Invention of Lying which was the dumbest movie I've seen in a long time and completely not worth the time. Now I'm going to watch The Bucket List. I hope it's good!

Return of the Blogger!

I'm just finishing up a creative writing class this semester and it has really inspired me to write a lot more than I have in the past. I've also written a lot more papers in the last two years than I ever have before.

I used to think that writing was my sister's thing so I stayed away from it...only occasionally writing in private and never finishing anything I started. Lately, however, I've been feeling more and more motivated to just put my thoughts on paper. Sometimes I'll be on my way to class or driving around running errands and I just get an overwhelming urge to put my feelings into words or describe what I'm seeing. I'm still embarrassed by my writing...especially anything fiction. I'm actually writing a novel, but I don't plan on doing anything with it. I just want to say I wrote one. I mean, lots of people write, but I'd love to write a full-length novel.

Anyway, I think another outlet can be a blog. I'm planning on traveling a lot this summer and it'd be really fun to document that in a blog. I'll also be taking the camera that bought from Aaron. It's funny...I had the same camera and my dad has one too. But during my crazy freshman year it got ruined when my drunken roommate (over 6 ft tall!) raised it over her head and threw it to the ground. Being drunk myself, I didn't even stop her or ask her to buy me a new one. Anyway, I was camera-less for several years until I finally got a cheap-ish but cute teal one from Wal-mart. It is a fine camera for parties and family pictures, but it's terrible for close-up nature shots that I love to take. So I sold it to my sister for $50 and bought my brother's old one for $20. A good deal. Seeing as I just bought a laptop, I expect I'll be able to upload and share the pictures easier this summer too. I hope that even if no one reads it, I'll have it to look back on.