Life is life.
Have you ever wanted something so badly- and it was completely in your control- but couldn't do it? I have. I do it every day. I so badly want to live this year with no regrets. I love the sport of gymnastics. It's deep, deep within me and will never leave me but I'm hanging up my leotard in not very long. I cry when I think about it.
I don't cry because of what I haven't done, but because of what I have done. I treasure my time on the gymnastics team. I wasn't really good enough to deserve this and I feel like it's a gift every day. But I am holding myself back from what I know I'm capable of and it's more than frustrating. I hate myself sometimes. I think: if I died, wouldn't that just solve the problem? Wouldn't I just not have to worry about this and the question of whether I'm strong enough to overcome my fears would never have to be answered.
It sounds so dramatic. It is. We're talking about a sport here, and not even at the elite level. But my pride is involved and that's very important to me. I don't sit here and entertain the idea of suicide; I'm way to rational for that. But I do think sometimes, if I die I wouldn't have to worry about it at all. Then of course, I'd be dead. So that's no good either.
Maybe I need a therapist. Maybe I need a psychologist. Maybe I just need a fucking blog.
I feel ridiculous right now. My friend got diagnosed with cancer when she was my age. She beat it. I'm talking about death (willful death?) because of embarrassment, pride and a fucking recreational sport. Perspective is everything, isn't it?
Pretty much nothing I've written makes sense right now. I don't really care. I need thoughts to just flow out so I don't have them rattling around in my brain.
A fight; every day, a fight to know who will win
Pulled once a way and back again
Ripped and broken, lying painful in the sun
Still but sobbing, heaving as night comes
Phoenix stirring, after thrashing and dying
Rising slowly, pulling up from lying
Stiff and jerking, fighting light and flying
But rising nonetheless, never stop trying
One day it will come; soon, it will come
Work will pay off and light will shine
Smiling, sparkling, gleaming some
Standing, alive and proud. My time.
"This is bullshit. At some point you just have to grab the bull by the horns." True dat.
